A selection of mountaineering jokes

Ways to spot your addicted to mountaineering

You insist to others that you really buy climbing magazines for the articles

When self arrest doesn't mean you turn yourself in to the police station

Your gear rack is worth more than your house

Your bivvy bag remains set up in your bedroom

When you holiday in the death zone rather than the tropical zone

The majority of your "friends" are hanging on your rack

A Matterhorn topo is on your living room wall

You no longer have anything in common with most other people

All your relatives keep referring to you as the crazy one in the family

You keep finding carabiners all around your house and in your car

Your spare bedroom looks like the local Patagonia shop

The first thing you find in your house to toast marshmallows with is an ice screw

If the contents of your pack cost more than your wedding,
and your honeymoon includes "candlelight" dinners, during a bivouac at sixteen thousand feet

When your pets are named after famous mountains

You refuse to date anyone who doesn't know how to belay

You decorate your house with training holds all over the ceiling and walls

When clicking down this page, you feel your finger tendons hurt from yesterdays unreasonable boulder session

When your friends won't go hiking with you anymore because you spend to much time grading the surrounding peaks

You have replaced the posters in your kids room with topo's of Half Dome and El-Cap

Your tent is worth more than your car

Your girlfriend/boyfriend breaks up with you for shouting climbing terms during sex

Top 10 worst things for your belay to shout to you while you struggle with the crux.

and right is image of one the people
most likely to shout them

Andy the "Wrekin Warrior"

10. Hold on a second, I'm just got to put new batteries in my walkman

9. You know, I've always wondered how to use this belay device

8. Hmmm, looks like you read the guidebook wrong,
this one's an E7 not a VS

7. Grab that jug you can't see!

6. If you fall now you might hit the deck

5. Your fingers must be REALLY aching by now.

4. Hey, I can see right up your shorts from here.

3. Your last piece of pro just fell out.

2. Am I supposed to be doing something with this rope?

And, the number one
thing you don't want to hear from your belayer ....
1. Hold on, I've got to go for a pee.

TOP 10 THINGS
THAT SOUND PERVERTED
WHEN CLIMBING

10. I'll need plenty of protection for this one.
9. Want to use my rope or yours?
8. Go ahead and tie in while I get my protection out.
7. I hate it when my protection fails!
6. That crack is big enough for your whole fist.
5. I'm getting tired of hanging here, but I want to try it one more time.
4. Better take a good selection of nuts.
3. I wish I hadn't lost that piece of protection in the crack.
2. Make sure you anchor in; I'm a lot heavier than you.

and, the number one thing that sounds dirty in climbing but is totally clean
1. Wow, what a great crack!